


Whose Dick Is It, Anyway?

by the_deep_magic



Series: A Very Critical Role Kinktober 2020 [30]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Blindfolds, Crack, Kinktober 2020, Multi, Multiple Pairings, Portals, Stuck in a wall
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:53:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27398266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_deep_magic/pseuds/the_deep_magic
Summary: Day Thirty: stuck in a wall“I’ve always suspected my ass was amazing,” Molly sighs, “but it’s so nice to finally see for myself.”
Relationships: Mollymauk Tealeaf/Other(s), Mollymauk Tealeaf/Undisclosed, The Mighty Nein/Mollymauk Tealeaf
Series: A Very Critical Role Kinktober 2020 [30]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1950748
Comments: 7
Kudos: 146





	Whose Dick Is It, Anyway?

**Author's Note:**

> I genuinely don’t know if this is legitimately funny or indicative of my declining mental state, but I took one look at today’s options and said, “Nah, sex toys and deepthroating are too safe, too vanilla – what I need to write is someone getting stuck in a wall… but, like, sexy.” Bring on the crack! Anyway, thank the eldritch gods for Mollymauk, amirite?

“I’ve always suspected my ass was amazing,” Molly sighs, “but it’s so nice to finally see for myself.”

“I am working on it, Molly,” Caleb mutters, paging frantically through his spell book.

“Don’t rush yourself, love. Honestly, this is the most amusing thing to happen to me in a while.”

And really, there’s no reason not to have a good sense of humor about it, though the reactions around the room are quite varied. Fjord and Veth are staring dumbstruck, Caduceus is predictably chill, Yasha is worried, Jester is drawing frantically in her sketchbook, and Beau, of course, is laughing her ass off.

But these things happen when your wizard dicks around with teleportation magic on a lazy weekend afternoon and you volunteer to test it out. Molly had only wanted to travel through the wall into the kitchen to get more snacks through the experimental portal Caleb opened, but it took him to the other side of the same room and then closed on him halfway through. Now he’s stuck between opposite walls, with his top half – from the navel up – staring across the room at his bottom half. It doesn’t hurt, fortunately. It doesn’t really feel like much of anything, except that he can’t move forward or backward. He can still control the back half of his body, as evidenced by the fact that he’s waving at himself with his own tail.

Veth wanders up to Molly’s back half slowly, like it’s a wild animal that might turn on her at any moment and not a mere (yet spectacular) ass and legs. “So if I do this…” she says, poking Molly in the calf.

“I do this,” he replies, lifting his foot up and back until he can jab her with his toe.

“Good thing you’re already so used to being a bottom,” Beau wheezes from the floor where she’s fallen off the couch.

“If anything, I think it shows just how versatile I really am,” Molly says, chuckling. “Though it does give me an idea. We could always pass the time with a few rounds of Whose Dick?”

“Excuse me?” says Fjord.

“It’s a cousin of Dick, Finger, or Toe?, though I’ve always personally found that to be too easy.”

“Well, yeah,” Jester says, slamming her sketchbook closed.

“I do not think either one is a legitimate game,” Caleb says, and Molly’s pleasantly surprised to see him following the conversation. His spell book will always be around later.

“Yasha,” Fjord sighs, “he’s obviously just making this up, right?”

Yasha looks at Molly, who just waggles his eyebrows back at her. “I… honestly don’t know,” she says after a moment. “I never heard of it, but knowing what he got up to with the other circus members...”

“I’d believe it,” Veth says, still poking at Molly’s leg.

“It’s fairly self-explanatory,” Molly says, his tail starting to quiver with excitement. “Just make sure you’ve got plenty of lube on hand, and start small.”

“What do we get if we manage to stump you?” Beau asks, grinning.

“I hardly think that’s likely, but I suppose you win the honor of getting to the finish line.”

&&&

Even with the blindfold on, the first one’s an easy guess. He would’ve known who it was even if she hadn’t rested her hand on his hip as she pressed the dildo in. “Jester, is it one of your TravelerCon specials?”

“It is!” she squeals. “How did you know?”

Molly would’ve bet money on Jester going first anyway. “Well, you had so many left over, and I know you wanted to put them to good use.”

“I did!”

“And also your warm little tiefling hand is on me, love.”

“Oh,” she says, and pulls away. She also pulls the dildo away, making Molly sigh with the loss. Ah, well, surely his friends won’t make him wait long.

&&&

The second is much more difficult, as it’s not obviously a dildo, but it doesn’t feel quite flesh-and-blood, either. “Oooh, a challenge,” Molly says, tapping his chin thoughtfully. “Whoever it is, will you fuck me a little? Give me some context?”

The movement of the cock in and out of him confirms his suspicions that it’s not quite the traditional corporeal body parts of a humanoid, but he can’t place exactly what it is. “Is the Xhorhaus haunted?”

He hears Beau laugh. “I don’t know, but ‘ghost dick’ isn’t a bad guess.”

“We can help him with hints?” Jester asks.

“I’m not sure this is playing fair,” Caduceus says considerately. “Caleb hasn’t summoned him in a long time.”

“Too big a hint,” Caleb says, but Molly can hear the amusement in his voice.

The cock is still thrusting inside him, which isn’t really clearing up Molly’s thought process, but it’s surely just on the tip of his tongue. Gods, this cock just keeps on going at the same steady pace, too clockwork-perfect for a real person, but if you could just order someone to keep fucking you… “Oh, oh, I know! It’s Caleb’s Unseen Servant – I’ve just forgotten his name.”

Fjord groans in mock indignation. “But how could you forget... Smitty?”

“Schmidt!” at least three people yell at once.

&&&

There’s quite a long pause and a lot of whispering between dicks two and three, and though he doesn’t hear the chimes from the front door, Molly’s beginning to suspect they’ve brought in a ringer. Sure enough, the cock that presses into him is definitely attached to a real, corporeal body, but it’s not easily identifiable. And it has the loveliest piercing at the tip.

“Ohhh,” Molly groans, shoulders growing lax as the cock moves in and out of him at a firm but leisurely pace. He doesn’t recognize the hands on his hips, either, and the way the ring is dragging across his sweet spot makes it damnably difficult to think. “You all forget – I see you naked in the baths. And none of you are – _oh, fuck_ – pierced.”

“I mean, you don’t _know_ that,” Fjord says, but Molly’s willing to bet he couldn’t even get the jab out without a good blush.

Molly puts the pieces together after only a few more seconds – really, there’s only so many people who’d just pop in on them when asked – but he’s sorely tempted to feign ignorance just to keep this particular cock in him a little bit longer. Its wielder clearly knows what he’s doing. But in the end, Molly’s pride and his curiosity about what’s next win out. “Essek, love, it’s been a pleasure.”

Essek groans and pulls out slowly. “Quite a diverting game you have going on here.”

“Feel free to stop by any time,” Molly whimpers. “No, really: _any_ time.”

&&&

The next cock is definitely a dildo, and definitely large. “I’m tempted to say Fjord,” Molly groans as the width of the dick breaches him. “But I’m not sure he could take anything this big.”

“Was that supposed to be an insult?” Fjord asks, sounding legitimately confused.

Caduceus speaks up. “I think so, but as a potential affront to your manhood, it really doesn’t make much sense.”

“You try making – _gahhhh_ – sense when you—oooou’ve got something this big in you.”

“Well?” Jester says after a few loud, wet thrusts.

“ _Hnnngh_ ,” Molly tries. “Can’t be Beau – it hasn’t got spikes on it.”

“Oh, fuck you!”

“Fuck you, too, love,” Molly says. “I’m a little surpri—ised, but I’m gonna say… Yasha?”

The movement slows to a stop, but the dildo stays buried in him. “Damn,” Yasha says. “I thought for sure I had you.”

&&&

It’s really unfair to the lot of them that Molly’s top half is in the room for this, because he can get a sense of the group’s mood even with his eyes covered. And there’s a definite mood of outré amusement in this room, even before he hears Caleb mutter something under his breath, not quite quietly enough.

Molly only lets the next participant get as far as walking up behind him before he says, “Caleb, I don’t think it’s really fair to Polymorph a cock for Beauregard, is it? Next!”

“GODSDAMMIT,” Beau yells. Then, after a pause: “Well, I’m not wasting the next hour. Yasha?”

“Yeah, I guess I’ve had my turn. Let’s go.”

&&&

The pool of candidates is narrowing down, though Molly’s pretty sure Caleb’s got at least one more Polymorph and he knows for a fact Jester’s got an armload of dicks of all sizes. No one’s said that going twice isn’t allowed, but perhaps it seems unfair to those limited to a single biological cock.

However, the real conundrum still lies ahead. As another cock works its way into Molly’s ass – flesh and blood, but somehow even thicker than Yasha’s substantial contribution – Molly moans with a combination of pleasure and frustration. Both Fjord and Caduceus are hung like minotaurs, and this time, no one’s giving anything away.

Molly’s panting by the time Fjord/Caduceus is in down to the root. There aren’t any tell-tale hands on his hips, so he imagines Fjord/Caduceus must have planted them on the wall above Molly’s lower half. “ _Ffffffuck me_ ,” Molly groans, half expletive and half request. “Are you sure this isn’t two of you at once?”

“No one expressly forbade that,” he hears Caleb say in an amused tone.

Jester hums thoughtfully. “I think you would need to turn off gravity for that to work.”

“That can be arranged,” Caleb says with a laugh.

Molly spreads his legs as wide as he can and tries to listen for either Fjord’s or Caduceus’s voice to tell which one of them _isn’t_ panting with exertion.

“Looks like we have a real contender,” Veth muses. “What were the stakes again?”

“Anyone who stumps Molly gets to come in him,” Jester says.

“I am beginning to see the flaw in this plan,” says Caleb. “If he cannot – or simply _does_ not – guess, he gets fucked for as long as the dick’s owner pleases.”

Molly whines, upper body twisting uselessly across the room. “Y-you’ve figured me out.”

“And what if he comes first?” Veth asks.

Caleb says, “Hmm, I suppose we did not consider that. It is almost as though this is not an authentic game at all, but was rather invented on the spot someone with an unhealthy fondness for cock.”

“Shut your Zemnian mouth,” Molly groans. No one’s touched his own dick yet, but it’s close enough to the wall that the tip is rubbing against the stucco, and even that’s starting to feel good. “I can get this. Give meee- _heeee_ a clue?”

“Well, it’s not me,” Veth says helpfully.

The weight behind Molly shifts, and the angle changes, and Molly’s already-compromised ability to think takes a nose dive. “Can’t,” he gasps, feeling his tail lash around wildly. “Too good.”

“Oh, just say a name!” Jester sing-songs. “You can make a pretty good guess.”

A name, a name. Molly can barely remember his own name. He’s had cocks in and out of him all afternoon, teasing him mercilessly, and trying to tell which is which feels entirely beside the point right now as long as one’s in him. Molly’s finally getting fucked right, and he doesn’t want it to stop.

Still, pride is an ornery beast, and maybe if Molly times it right, he can come _and_ win the game. He waits until he’s right on the edge to shout, “Fjord! It’s Fjord! Ha!”

A large and distinctly furry hand wraps around the base of Molly’s tail and tugs. “Wrong,” Caduceus says.

Molly yelps and paints the wall.

&&&

Once Molly and Caduceus are both limp and sated, the blindfold comes off. It seems the novelty of having Molly stuck in a wall has faded, and everyone wanders off except Caleb, who helps clean him up.

“I really am sorry about this,” Caleb mutters, wiping down the insides of Molly’s thighs.

Molly sighs. “I guess firbolgs have massive balls for a reason. Not your fault, but I think you need to get another towel.”

“No, you filthy thing,” Caleb chuckles fondly. “I meant about the portal.”

Molly shrugs. “It’s a little annoying that I have to be postcoital with you across the room, but ultimately there’s no harm done.”

“I still have not figured out how to undo this.”

“But you will. I have faith in you.”

Finished, Caleb sets down the cloth by Molly’s feet and walks over to his upper half. “That is… oddly sweet, considering the circumstances.”

Molly reaches out as soon as Caleb is within an arm’s length of him. “I couldn’t help but notice that you didn’t take your turn,” Molly coos.

“That would not be fair to the others, _Liebling_ ,” Caleb murmurs, kissing Molly softly. “You already know my cock too well.”

“You honestly think I wouldn’t have pretended to be baffled? ‘Oh, geez, who could that be? I’m gonna need about ten more minutes of that good, good dicking to figure it out.’”

“Things worked out just fine for you. I did not realize you were such a – what is the Common expression? A size queen?”

“Not always,” Molly insists, though his sternness is somewhat undercut by his sigh as Caleb’s lips trail across his jaw.

“I should really keep working on getting you out of this,” Caleb says, nibbling at Molly’s ear until Molly whimpers.

“Ooh, make sure you write down this version of the spell, though. It could be useful.”

“For what, _Liebling_? Fucking monsters to death?”

“I mean… you never know.”

**Author's Note:**

> Ha ha, obvious!OTP is obvious. JUST ONE MORE LEFT! I’m toying with a couple ideas for the grand finale, but I almost certainly won’t have it ready tomorrow. I’ll shoot for Friday, but I’ll be honest with you: because of Kinktober, I put a bunch of non-fandom things on hold until the beginning of November, and now my tired ass is having to cash those checks. That said, I’m kinda gonna miss this madness, and I'm definitely going to miss the constant stream of love from all of you!


End file.
